{"id":7454,"date":"2023-02-19T15:14:43","date_gmt":"2023-02-19T15:14:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/?p=7454"},"modified":"2023-02-23T22:10:03","modified_gmt":"2023-02-23T22:10:03","slug":"the-bard-of-london-colney-a-tale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/?p=7454","title":{"rendered":"The Bard of London Colney: A Tale"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
 “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” Credit Apocalypse Now<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

In our last missive from the usually serene Western Front, your humble scribe and amateur military historian asked whether our Spanish general would spin a yarn of conquest or tragedy. Well, m\u2019luds, I am pleased to report our Generalissimo Mikel (the San Sebastian Sun Tzu) outdid even the Great Bard of Avon himself weaving a tapestry of history, tragedy, and uproarious comedy. I must admit, however, the day began somewhat disconcertingly as matchday intelligence reports from some of our very own friends and patrons trickled in from Villa Park. The team line-ups were all wrong<\/u><\/strong> and the fare on offer included something described as Currywurst. My worst fears were coming to fruition\u2026the Lonestar intelligence network was being overrun by exotic foods. As I packed Lonestar Gooner the Younger (hereinafter referred to as \u201cLGtY<\/strong>\u201d) into the truck for, what turned out to be, am unexpectedly long day of youth academy football, urgent calls were being made to recall the intelligence \u201cweather\u201d balloons and burn the human intelligence assets whose information led me to so poorly anticipate both Arsenal and Villa deployments. After all, an army may well fight on its stomach, but a blind squirrel doesn\u2019t find enough nuts to\u2026well, you get my meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lineups<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arteta very sensibly<\/strong> determined that freshening-up the squad did not necessarily mean throwing the baby out with the bath water and remained faithful to his accepted starting eleven (there is a reason he<\/em> is the manager while I sit in the peanut gallery). Benjamin White returned and Jorginho (more on him anon) again deputized for the ailing Partey. The most notable managerial change was resting Martinelli in favor of Trossard. Eminently reasonable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ramsdale<\/p>\n\n\n\n

White\u2014Saliba\u2014Gabriel\u2014Zinchenko<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00d8degaard<\/a>\u2014Jorginho\u2014Xhaka<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Saka\u2014Nketiah\u2014Trossard<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is such a thing as the Fog of War, and the Villa team selection projections are where my \u201cintelligence assets\u201d really let me down (or maybe I\u2019m just an idiot, you pick\u2026or, maybe Emery\u2019s an idiot – yes, I think I prefer that explanation). Uncle Unai obviously plumped for athleticism and thuggery as he made six changes from his line-up against the-expensively-assembled-\u20acitzens-of-(allegedly)-Off-Balance-Sheet-FC.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Watkins\u2014Buendia<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coutinho\u2014Kamara\u2014Luiz\u2014McGinn<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moreno\u2014Mings\u2014Konsa\u2014Cash<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Krusty the Clown<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although Arsenal had recorded three straight Premier League victories over the Claret and Blue (history), Wednesday\u2019s defeat, and the concomitant hand-wringing meant we needed a result. Arsenal began brightly, building play from the back and shifting the focus of attack well. From the offing, however, it was clear the Villa \u201cplayers\u201d were instructed to kick Saka and \u00d8degaard to bits. With no protection from the chunky, but funky<\/a>, Simon Hooper, Moreno and Coutinho assaulted our Starboy, and the odious Mings mauled \u00d8degaard. However, Saka gave as good as he got (and was booked for it, wtaf, Simon), and \u00d8degaard refused to allow himself to be kicked out of the game. Allow me a very brief word here for PGMOL and Howard Webb. If you refuse to protect the brightest, most marketable footballing asset the Football Association has from the absolute thuggery he receives week in and week out, you open yourselves up to, what might be unreasonable, criticism. I mean LGtY\u2019s absolute favorite player is Saka. Teenage lady Gooner\u2019s favorite player is actually Jude Bellingham (but Saka is a close second). If it was Harry Kane\u2026look, I\u2019ll leave it there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Somewhat against the run of play, Matty Cash, the Edgbaston clodder himself, actually made a decent football play (his only contribution, to my recollection) by tackling Zinny and playing a delicious diagonal to Ollie Watkins. Watkins took a characteristically poor first touch (remember what I wrote about Villa getting out of their own way?) which should have been enough to allow our usually competent Saliba to stifle the threat. This time, however, Saliba dawdled; Watkins penetrated and fired a composed finish inside Ramsdale\u2019s far post. One might ask whether Ramsdale could have gotten down faster, but his saves later in the game more than made up for this blemish. It was the best start Villa could have anticipated, and Emery (dressed like an aged, no-longer-teenage mutant ninja turtle) celebrated lustily. Guess who else celebrated, albeit less lustily? One Tom Hanks, veritable Hollywood royalty, who was a guest in the Villa Director\u2019s Box. Given the Tom\u2019s choice to support Villa, the judgment of one of his offspring suddenly appears a tad bit less questionable<\/a>. \u201c\u2026And that\u2019s all I\u2019m gonna say about that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Villa 1 \u2013 Arsenal 0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arsenal rebounded from the shock of the Villa opener. After a particular tasty sequence, Benjamin White floated an inviting cross into the center of the box that Nketiah dutifully headed onto the bar. I\u2019m sorry, but you simply have to work the keeper from that position. Eddie labored manfully, and deserved an assist, but he looks a little tired to me. Not to be deterred, after another period of increased pressure and probing, Saka absolutely thumped a left-foot volley from a poorly-executed Mings clearance. What. A. Player. Saka\u2019s intellectual and physical maturation is wondrous to behold. From his ice-cold penalties, to his creativity, to his willingness to be the first player entering the breach (much like Caesar\u2019s willingness to lead his line in Spain and Greece, eh, ClockEndRider?), Saka has become indispensable and undroppable (although we need to rest him, surely). He must be protected<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Villa 1 \u2013 Arsenal 1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Villa were not inclined to lie down peaceably and contrived to string together five or so passes ending in a Buendia dummy that, somehow, found its way through Xhaka\u2019s legs to Coutinho. The aging, erratic midfielder wrong-footed Ramsdale with a decent shot from just outside the box. Arsenal should have done better defensively, but the other team gets to play, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Villa 2 \u2013 Arsenal 1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A word here about Xhaka. As many of you know, I would rather have seen Vieira start this game in Xhaka\u2019s place (and I think Vieira\u2019s later contributions support this). Xhaka didn\u2019t perform particularly poorly in this match, but he was just anonymous to me. I agree with Clive Palmer (of ArsenalVision acclaim), we have better offensive players to play the left eight (although he prefers Zinchenko in that role), and Xhaka is making fewer defensive contributions to warrant his continued inclusion in the starting role. Let\u2019s see what develops. Arsenal huffed and puffed but were unable to equalize before the half.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HT: Villa 2- Arsenal 1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those of you who watched All or Nothing: Arsenal are familiar with Arteta\u2019s motivational talks. They can be, generously, described as hit-or-miss. Not that the players are not responding to him, mind you, I think he definitely has them under his spell\u2026and long may it continue. Whatever, our well-coiffed colonel said over chocolate oranges and tea should be archived for future reference because the Boys started the second half on a mission.  \u00d8degaard<\/a>, particularly, after again being assaulted by Mings, elevated our midfield intensity several gears. Arsenal, attacking from left to right, directly into the loving arms of our lively and vocal away support, fashioned the first of several bright chances in the 56th minute when Nketiah sent another header just off target. Now, I get that headers are low-probability shots, but\u2026dude? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After another period of Arsenal dominance resulted in a corner from our right, Saka played a short corner with \u00d8degaard over to Zinchenko who lashed a left-footed \u201cF-You\u201d low into Krusty\u2019s near post. What a hit! Now, having been beaten at his near post, Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofsky (better known as Krusty the Clown a\/k\/a Emi Martinez) will definitely be asking himself questions\u2026wait, who am I kidding? Krusty has as much introspection as my housecat. Back to Zinny, what a way to break your duck! How is it, now, that he hasn\u2019t<\/em> previously scored a Premier League goal? As the kids say, \u201cDon\u2019t know. Don\u2019t care.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Villa 2 \u2013 Arsenal 2<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even as Arsenal continued to press their dominance, that spectre of doom began to creep in as the clock edged closer to full time. Eddie squandered a delightful opportunity from a scrumptious \u00d8degaard through ball. In the 77th minute, \u00d8degaard spurned a guilt-edged chance as Eddie, having pressed the Villa defender into a turnover, placed the ball on a plate, and Martin (with a spiritually open goal) fizzed the shot just wide. Minutes later, Leon Bailey (one of several Emery second-half substitutes who hilariously contrived to make the Villa side weaker) collected an aggressive diagonal ball from deep, drove forward, and forced Ramsdale into one of his two key saves. Say what you will about Ramsdale, he has big, brass bollocks. Go on, my son! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We rambled onward into six minutes of stoppage time thanks to utterly rubbish officiating. Simon is a tosser, and I feared he and his crew would make a draw the likely outcome. However, the Bard of London Colney had a few more plot twists in store. Cast your mind back just a few weeks to the end of the transfer window as Arsenal were being thwarted at every turn by Todd Boehly spending money like a drunken sailor. On the eve of the transfer window closing came a scurrilous rumor of Arsenal doing a deal with said Yank billionaire and the bent Chavs to buy Jorginho? What? No way\u2026surely not. Yes way, and don\u2019t call him Shirley<\/a>. His name is Jorge Luiz Frello Filho Cavaliere OMRI, he is Italzilian, and he relishes pratfall comedy. Understanding that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, in the 93rd minute, Jorginho called for a cutback from Martinelli (who had been subbed-on for the decent, but rather anonymous Trossard). As the ball comically cutout six Villa \u201cdefenders,\u201d Jorginho called on his inner-Partey to lash a right-footed thunderbastard onto the angle of post and bar. The ricochet, in a way that could only have been written beforehand, rebounded off the back of a diving Krusty\u2019s head and into the net. Cue Pandemonium. Cue hilarity. Jorginho might have been a \u20achelski See You Next Tuesday, but, after the Thrilla in Villa, he\u2019s a Red Bastard. He just needs a good<\/em> song:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He came to us when Partey went.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jorgi. Jorgi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He scored a goal, made Emi bent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jorgi. Jorgi. (it\u2019s a work in progress).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As an aside, just as Jorginho\u2019s shot nestled into the back of the net, LGtY, himself, laced a right-footed shot from about 18 yards into the top right corner of the goal. Although I had shouted in celebration of Jorginho\u2019s goal, as I had cheekily brought my phone to watch proceedings from the parent\u2019s gallery, the timing was such that all attendees thought I was cheering my boy\u2019s goal. It was a good goal, but not as good as Jorginho\u2019s \ud83d\ude09. Those parents who looked disapprovingly can do one!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Villa 2 \u2013 Arsenal 3<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not satisfied the tragi-comedic script he had written so far, Arteta went full Rowan Atkinson. In the dying embers of stoppage time, hopes of the Villa faithful were tantalizingly buoyed as the boys in Claret and Blue crafted a last-ditch attack and earned a corner. They couldn\u2019t\u2026could they? As the final seconds ticked, and the players jostled, (evidently to Emery\u2019s horror<\/a>) Krusty\u2019s ostentatiously orange kit joined the fray. The Villa keeper was coming to save the day\u2026only he didn\u2019t. The resulting cross was headed to Vieira who broke at pace and played-in Martinelli who easily outpaced the Villa defenders and Krusty who, to be fair, was running in clown shoes. Vieira (who performed admirably in his substitute appearance) celebrated after the pass, and Martinelli hilariously celebrated before he slotted home the fourth goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FT: Villa 2 \u2013 Arsenal 4<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conclusion<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The three points were indeed heading back to London, but The Bard of London Colney remained unsatisfied. Adding to yesterday\u2019s comedy, as the coach (I assume they traveled by luxury coach) motored down the M1, Arteta sent missives to City Ground, St. James\u2019s Park, and the bus stop in Fulham. Each of the recipients duly obliged his request. Forest\u2019s dogged determination to hold the-expensively-assembled-\u20acitzens-of-(allegedly)-Off-Balance-Sheet-FC to a draw brought tears of laughter. The Scousers won after hilariously getting the Sovereign Wealth Fund of Saudi Arabia\u2019s goal keeper sent off for handling the ball outside the box. And lowly Southampton edged Graham Potter ever-so-closer to the sack through the sublime foot of James Ward-Prowse. Arteta is both a talismanic general and better than Shakespeare, and the title challenge is back on. There are many twists and turns to come, but Saturday was a fantastic day to be a Gooner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, as much as I enjoyed bringing you both the match preview and match report, I only penned the match report because one of our regulars is supporting an ailing family member. I extend positive vibes and earnest prayers for a speedy and full recovery to that individual\u2019s family and to all the other \u2018Holics contending with their own infirmities. Be well and take care of each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until the next time, Up the Arse!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MCMBD.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In our last missive from the usually serene Western Front, your humble scribe and amateur military historian asked whether our Spanish general would spin a yarn of conquest or tragedy. Well, m\u2019luds, I am pleased to report our Generalissimo Mikel (the San Sebastian Sun Tzu) outdid even the Great Bard of Avon himself weaving a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":22,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7454"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/22"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7454"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7454\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7482,"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7454\/revisions\/7482"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7454"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7454"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goonerholicsforever.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7454"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}