And so, after a cold, wet but hugely enjoyable trip to Portsmouth, on to the Bus Stop in Fulham. Pretty much everything about this trip was different to the one on Sunday. The weather wasn’t terribly cold, nor was it driving rain, thankfully. The home fans were as objectionable, small-minded and classless as ever. The ground was as charmless as Fratton was charismatic. And Arteta brought back the big guns as expected, in order to match up to the footballing Ponzi scheme that is Chelsea.
Chelsea were without James, a fine player but an odious, whining individual; professional Wide-Mouthed Frog impersonator Palmer; and the perennially banned, walking time-bomb Caicedo. Even without these three, Chelsea comfortably maintained their O.Q. (Odiousness Quotient) by starting with Mark Cucaracha and Enzo Fernandez, an individual with a little-man complex to make Napoleon envious. As expected, Trossard and Saliba made magical recoveries and Ødegaard, Zubimendi, Saka, Gyökeres all returned to the team. Our bench had no room for the unfortunate Nwaneri, but his time will come. Considering Hincapié, Calafiori and Mosquera were all absent, it was still one of the strongest benches I can remember, albeit skewed to the forward line. Before kick-off, there was much laughter among the away fans when the stadium announcer made a big deal of introducing Chelsea for their warm-up as “The World Champions.” Dear reader, he did this with no sense of irony or sarcasm. A lack of self-awareness only matched by the club’s utter classlessness.
The game started with a minute’s appreciation, as is now the way, for Chelsea stalwart Eddie McCreadie, which was universally well respected off the pitch, I am glad to report. Arsenal players sported black armbands. I am not aware of an Arsenal loss, so I assume this was in sympathy for Chelsea’s. If so, a classy act.
Both teams started aggressively, physically and footballistically, to use a Wengerism. Guiu quickly discovered that Gabriel was no pushover, which set the tone for his lack of success all evening. On 6 minutes, we won a corner on the left-hand side, with Rice to deliver. This delivery was perfect considering Chelsea had in goal, Sanchez, the kind of flapper not seen since the heyday of the Prohibition era Cotton Club. The ball duly sailed over said flapper, leaving an unmarked Benny Blanco the simple task of nodding it in. VAR tried and failed to find a reason to cancel it out which seemed wholly around whether Gyökeres was in an offside position. He was, but clearly this was due to the fact that his marker was grappling with him in the manner of a modern-day Mick McManus, preventing him from regaining his onside position. This ludicrous amount of apparently unnoticed, and certainly unpenalised holding and pushing was to become a feature of the Chelsea performance from set pieces.
Arsenal took this as their cue to really press Chelsea from the front on goal kicks, which they didn’t like at all. Napoleon found an opportunity to test Kepa but only managed a gentle back-pass type shot straight at him. A few minutes later, the cockroach in human form that is Cucurella, was pulled out of position to chase Saka back into our final third. Saka laid the ball off and a simple ball down the right released Timber who hit an early cross for Gyökeres to control, under duress, turn his man and get a shot off, deflected for a corner.
The Chelsea plan was clearly to overload on the wings and Neto was active on the left, while a mixture of Estevao and Acheampong on the right were beginning to do this as the game reached the mid-point of the first half. Arsenal were resolute though, with Timber and White maintaining fairly central positions until the ball went wide and then inviting Chelsea to either cross or run into the congested box. It largely worked pretty well in the first half, with, from memory, only one occasion when there was any real danger caused, as Estevao cut inside Timber on the left and unleashed an absolute hammer of a shot, well saved at the near post by Kepa. They had overloads on the left a couple of other times but seemed unable to stay onside so the resulting shots were null and void, as well as easily saved.
The considerable away support – we had pretty much the whole, appropriately named, Shed End – was on great form, with the stand-out song of the first half being:
“Arsenal Boys
We’re on a bender*
Thomas Frank is a Silver member.”
Let’s forgive the almost McGonagle-esque near-rhyme. It was very funny.
The Chelsea fans were invited by the away support to perhaps consider singing a song and a very generous offer was made by said Gooners to perhaps sing one for them, if they were as bereft of ideas as their club is of class. This entirely altruistic offer was not taken up by the serenely somnolent home support.
On 36 minutes, Estevao had the ball down our left. The tricky winger was marshalled by both Timber, and the ever defensively alert Trossard. Eventually Estevao tried one trick too many and knocked the ball into touch for an Arsenal goal kick. Like some entitled grandee from a Wodehouse novel, he then tried to appeal to the linesman for some kind of summary justice. But to no avail. Apart from a wholehearted retort from the visiting fans that “He’s gonna cry in a minute” as the volume of his appeal was matched by the kind of visual exuberance not seen since actors starring in silent movies.
As the game drew towards half-time, Saliba, of all people, cut in from the left-hand side of the box and hit a fine effort just over the Cotton Club Clown but also over the bar. Chelsea were a little rattled now and Arsenal took advantage by pressing at every opportunity onto their defence and midfield, putting pressure on Sanchez to think, not his forte, which resulted in some turnovers and balls kicked straight into touch. On 43 minutes, and finally after 3 or 4 other attempts, Cucaracha was booked for a foul on Saka.
Half-Time: Chelsea 0 Arsenal 1
Both sides came out for the second half with no changes, either to players or in terms of attitude. It was fast and furious. And it didn’t take long for Arsenal to make the breakthrough. Arsenal, in a low block, won the ball back from Neto wide on the right through Saka. He pressed forward attacking the yellow-carded Cockroach, who managed to kick the ball into touch, while emitting the kind of high-pitched yell of pain last seen in Saving Private Ryan, in order to cheat his way to a decision. Neither referee nor linesman bought this chicanery, and the formerly near-death Chelsea man subsequently rose, Lazarus-like, in an attempt to get back, realising Arsenal were going to take a quick throw in. But too late, as Saka received the ball and cut inside him, waited for the advancing Ben White, galloping forward like Copenhagen at the Battle of Waterloo. White received the ball on the overlap from Saka and banged in a cross. Sanchez was caught in two minds, presumably as to whether to do The Charleston or cut out the cross and managed to do a better impression of the former than the latter, allowing the ball to squirm through for Gyökeres to tap in from a yard. It visibly lifted Gyökeres. The away fans, who in fairness had been nothing but supportive throughout, happily unleashed the Gyoökeres song. Followed swiftly by that beautiful elegy to a manager under the cosh “You’re getting sacked in the morning.”
On 52 minutes, the invisible Guiu was replaced by Garnacho and Acheampong went off for Badiashile. On 56 minutes, Chelsea pulled one back when Zubimendi slipped in midfield, allowing what would ordinarily have been a simple interception to turn onto Chelsea possession. They forced the ball out to their right where Neto crossed well to the back post for new arrival Garnacho to control and hammer into the net. This prompted a 15-minute period of pressure from Chelsea, so fair play to the temporary managerial human shield for the owners that is Rosenior. Chelsea now piled on the pressure, at least in terms of possession and territory if not genuine opportunities and it began to look as though Arteta might need to match the introduction of new energy with fresh players himself.
And lo, on 66 minutes Trossard and Ødegaard came off for Merino and Martinelli. Completely understandable and in no way an indictment on the performance of the two players leaving the field. And on 70 minutes, the renewed energy paid dividends when Saka on the right passed inside to Merino. He in turn eschewed the return to Saka and passed on to Gyökeres who controlled and flicked the ball back to Zubimendi, taking out one Chelsea defender and allowing the Basque to fake and put Fofana on the deck before hammering home past The Flapper.
This quietened the locals and indeed started something of a run on the exits. As an aside, in Roman times the exits to large theatres and stadia, such as the Colosseum, were called Vomitoria. Very apt for Stamford Bridge.
On 75 minutes, Merino had a great chance as the ball ballooned to him in space 8 yards out. He struck a fierce volley which Sanchez managed to save with his foot, deflecting wide for a corner. I will be kind and state this was a save rather than a spontaneous, reflex dance move.
At this point, the away support invited the locals to go home as they had seen The Arsenal. #BeKind. Rudely though, some stayed and were rewarded with a second goal from Garnacho, very similar to the first. Irritating but fair enough. They never gave up.
Full-Time: Chelsea 2 Arsenal 3
There was still an opportunity for Napoleon to try to start trouble at the end but Zubimendi dealt with it laughingly and it rather appeared that Wellington’s maxim from Waterloo regarding his troops that “I don’t know what effect these men will have on the enemy but by God they frighten me” was uppermost in the Argentinian’s tiny mind in his somewhat half-hearted attempt to start a contretemps.
On now to Forest on Saturday, followed by Inter away. A job well done, but only a slender lead for the second leg. Personally, I really don’t care about the second leg as it will be the least important game we face between now and the end of the season. But it’s always nice to put one over on the Chavs.
*Bender is a UK-wide colloquial term for a serious night out on the booze, for those from outside the UK.
Cheers CER.
Your love of all things Cuntski shines through this whole piece.
Superb and witty report CER. Your analysis of Sanchez is spot-on. That save hit his foot- he dived and got lucky . We shoukd have win by more but it’s still a very good result .
I understand Frank has upgraded to Gold !
Bravo, CER. From the top drawer, that. Some particularly fine comic lines had me chuckling away.
Shame that we twice gave up a two-goal lead, although the first equaliser wasn’t half unlucky – a miskick from Gabriel, followed by a slip from Zubi, followed by a fortuitous ricochet off Saliba. Xg showed we were miles the better team. As long as we turn up in the home leg, we’ll be fine.
I discovered from the meeja that we have a ‘nightmare’ record in semi-finals under Arteta. I had not noticed. They are harping on because we failed to win a single match from the 4 individual legs of last year’s 2 separate ties. What a load of nonsense. Our depleted side lost to Newcastle in the same competition and we lost a CL semi to an excellent PSG side. And would anyone have given a toss if we’d won any of those legs if we still lost the overall tie? Of course not. How tedious that nowadays everything has to be spun into idiotic ‘narrative’.
At the moment it is us and City who are favourites to be in the final. I would need to check but I believe the last time we played them in a cup competition was… wait, what is this? Doth mine eyes deceive me? Surely this cannot be correct… Apparently it was when we beat them in a SEMI-FINAL on our way to winning the FA Cup. Who knew?
A scurrioulsly bright and breezy read, CER. Bravo! Now, tell us what you really think about Chelsea….
GSD@3: 👍
I’m glad you had a good night CER. Chelsea is ordinarily a tough ticket to get, but of course the league cup gives us an allocation of over 4000. It also meant I was able to get terrific seats, row six right behind the goal in the Shed Lower. It was raucous and fun and it felt like Victor and Zubi were passing the ball right into our arms for their goals.
Fourth time I’ve been there, three previous draws so it was lovely to get the win. I think we’ll be too much for them at the Emirates although their tricky wingers take some handling.
A splendid, comprehensive, entertaining and very amusing report on our most recent visit to the Bus Stop, CER.
I’m in the habit of thinking of their odious LB as Cinderella’s ugly sister CuckooRella, meriting “He’s behind you” calls to Saka, but I must admit that I like your ‘cockroach in human form’ description – which of course require slight modification of the cry to “He’s under the toilet seat” – altogether more appropriate.
A very good performance overall which should have been rewarded with a larger winning margin and a tie already put to bed. Having said that, in harmony with many, I’d have taken a one goal margin win before the game had it been on offer.
I would ave liked to see Havertz play a little longer last night. Perhaps I will on the weekend.
Hilarious, atmospheric and spot-on from the start to the finish, CER. Best match report in the universe without any question. Yellow-carded Cucaracha had the ring of a bird in a gilded cage until I realized you were talking about that hairy cockroach. 🪳—**Shudders.**
Job done for now. A lead we can take into the second half at home where we can finish the job, Big Vik has regained some confidence with his goal and assist, and we continue with a hugely important trip to Nottinghamshire on the weekend. No additional injuries to my knowledge so far. ** Crosses fingers. **.
These certainly must be the days we live for, and certainly when we get to read such masterful match reports as this one.
Here is some trivia about Silent Stan. He has become the largest private landowner in the United States, owning land, overwhelmingly ranchland in the Western states, equivalent to slightly more than the combined area of Kent, Essex, Hertfordshire and Greater London.
https://landreport.com/land-report-100
Superb, CER ! Funny, entertaining and wholly accurate. Take a bow, son !
Oh, and a brilliant title !
Thanks for an entertaining Chavskiphobic report, CER. It sounds like a good evening out. We were, in almost the words of the song, “by far the better team” and really should have won that game by at least two goals. I was pleased that Vik got his goal and proved his ability to forge a chance for himself (though it was blocked) and link play (with his lovely lay-off to Zubi). That goal by Zubi showed us what that lad is capable of – such a good signing.
Our performance will have to be at least as good, and probably more efficient in front of goal, in the second leg but at least we have our noses in front.
That’s a great read CER and very accurate to a T. Very pleased to get the win but with a slight tinge of disappointment we allowed them 2 goals which makes our dominance of the game not so apparent. We should be good enough to win the home leg as well but I still have very painful memories of 2004 and Wayne Fucking Bridge.
This team / squad are amazing, just 2 defeats in all competitions so far this season – superb.
Thanks CER, a very amusing and well-written account of a
game where the garbage was once again successfully taken out.
Unless our form falls off a cliff we will finish it off 2nd leg.
GSD@3
I read that semifinal nightmare bollocks too, just weird.
C100@5 glad you had a good night too 👍
Seems Zin is unwanted at Forest. Dyche on one side, Marinakis on the other
and Edu behind him. Run Zin! Run, you fool.
I feel bad for the bloke to be honest, there is no mechanism to cut the loan
short unless we agree.
Matt @15 – I would imagine Dyche was left wondering what the hell Zinchenko meant when he told him he was an ‘inverting’ full back. Doesn’t sound like Dyche terminology to me.
On the subject of which – my new thesaurus arrived this morning but it’s full of empty pages. There are no words to describe how angry I am 😡
C115y have agreed a deal to sign Guehi ( just as we hear Glasner is leaving at the end of the season ) . They’ve spent over £100 million but is it money they gave obtained fairly ? There has to be a resolution to this situation
Wheels coming off at Palace: Glasner leaving, Guehi sold and Mateta in the shop window.
The Oil-landers have strengthened their depth chart significantly with the Semenyo and Guehi signings.
TTG@17: The moral dilemma is that City bought its way to making its money honestly.
TTG – I think it was Ned who pointed out to me recently that C115/130y have huge room to manoeuvre within the bounds of PSR. So to try to answer your question as a distinctly non-expert, they have been allowed to build up an enormous PSR ceiling with their illegally – in FFP / PSR terms – accrued funds and, lacking any form of curtailment, can now do / spend whatever the hell they like.
That’s my interpretation – quite possibly wrong : simplistic / naive, and I am sick of hearing about their glorious achievements from those who know as well as we do that none of it has been won honestly. It’s an absolute disgrace that they are allowed to drag an organisation they voluntarily signed up to into a public court when they are found to have broken the rules. It’s worse for all the other members of said organisation that they are then permitted to interminably appeal and contest the court’s decisions.
Still, at least it gives a host of sad hacks more time to demand Mikel Arteta is sacked if he again proves unable to beat them whilst playing fair and square.
I see Ned has beaten me in.
Trev
That’s exactly the point as Ned also alludes to. They’ve won titles whilst possibly breaking the rules and certainly failing to assist investigations ( which carries penalties in themselves.) Clubs like Everton, Leicester , Notts Forest have been punished with points deductions for similar offences . The Premier League have allowed the most uneven of playing fields to be constructed on their watch .
I’m told by someone who is close to Whitehall that huge diplomatic pressure is being put on the Government by Abu Dhabi to ignore any breaches of the rules ( this person is a Club Level season ticket holder! ) . This may indicate that there is a case to answer for C115y . Time for Gooner Starmer to stand up for what is right
TTG @22. I had planned to have you as my guest at Trent Bridge next summer. However now that you have committed the egregious error of describing Forest as “Notts Forest”, I fear we may have to smuggle you into Nottingham under a false name, hat and sunglasses.
Not sure how much of this “government” pressure thing I swallow. Basically, Mansoor is the government. His family own everything – banks, oil companies, land, football empire, the lot. Why would they need to bring pressure ? Cos they’re as guilty as hell. We all know it. and so they get caught out and embarrassed by their football shenanigans. Good. In any (most) other countries what’s that all got to do with the price of fish ? Suck it up. Get on with it. They’ll survive. Hope their rotten football club doesn’t.
C100
Mea Culpa- a thousand apologies !😱
There are a number of readers of the Grauniad on here and they employ some of the best sports journalists in the media . I’m not sure anyone reproduced this piece from November but it is well worth reading especially in the light of renewed activity at the Emptihad
https://www.theguardian.com/football/2025/nov/08/silence-over-sudan-manchester-city-owners-football
That news from Palace is very disappointing but it looked inevitable that Guehi would leave this window as Palace need the income and couldn’t reasonably let him go on a free in June. Sad that he’s taking C115y’s soiled shilling. Bad news for Palace that Glasner isn’t renewing his contract but understandable given that his best players have been sold without adequate replacements.
As to the prospect of achieving a just sanction for C115y, I very much doubt it and, TTG @22, don’t hold your breath if you’re relying on ‘Gooner’ Starmer to apply effective pressure.
I’m sure pressure is being applied on the UK government. Never underestimate the extent to which autocratic rulers assume that all governments work the same way that they do.
Different sport, but the words of CLR James, who also wrote for the then Manchester Guardian, seem applicable in this context:What do they know of cricket who only cricket know?
Nobody wants an end to nation states owning football clubs more than me but I’m afraid I have never believed that a proper punishment would be served on City. At the end of the day, football is small beer. The owners will be pressurising HMG in whichever way they can. This will include arms sales, sales of LNG and more. I’m afraid UK PLC is such a shambles these days that a government of any hue would be powerless to resist. Let alone one led by poor apology for a lawyer with all the presence and authority of a cold cup of coffee.
Trev
Sportwashing relies on reflected glory from sporting achievement. If C115y are found guilty and heavily punished Abu Dhabi PLC is in disgrace and the reverse of what sportwashing is designed to achieve occurs . Mansour is a key part of the government so thus is huge for him and he will try anything to resist a heavy punishment for the club . I’m surprised when I hear fans say they should have points deductions but not be stripped of titles . Where is the fairness in that ? If they are found to have cheated they should be disqualified even if handing us the 2018 League Cup might be a bit empty . But league titles should be awarded to the runners up
Thanks for the link @26 TTG, i had read the piece at
the time but it’s still relevant of course.
As we seem to be relaxing the rules, I would say
for thé sake of balance that personally I quite like Starmer,
although I have never voted labour in my life, he seems a
decent enough bloke trying his best with the shitty end of the stick
he was handed.
However, it is not up to him to show some spine in this matter.
We are not an autocracy and the football clubs can just say no
to government interference, supporters can have an impact too
just as they did with the super league. To me it is just an excuse
to blame the government – Ronay was right on that point, we could
at least try to tell the truth – but I am not holding my breath and
waiting for anyone from the billionaire boys / nation state clubs
to do so of course
Matt@32 – my point above wasn’t political, purely observational. Apologies if it came across that way. The same lack of presence and authority also applies to every PM in the last 20 years.
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