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I have not been absolutely sure of almost anything in all these years, but I do recall that one of the many intellectually fearsome girls – they are all kind of disconcertingly similar, so after a while the words of ironic and mocking disapproval from their otherwise shapely lips merge into one another, just as their profiles tend to do in the strange dreams, that a simple minded chappie like me tends to fall into after spending too many hours enjoying himself at the lunch table – that I have had the occasional misfortune of being engaged to, told me about some terribly thoughtful German cove by the name of Adorno who apparently said something about how true thoughts are those alone that do not understand themselves.

“Complete balderdash, Jeeves!”

“Yes, sir. I surmise you are referring to last evening’s stern words by Mrs. Traverse. I agree, sir, that she was perhaps a little bit more draconian in her disapproval of your dinner jacket than was strictly speaking necessary. But, if I may say so sir, even though I usually don’t find myself easily predisposed to her ladyship’s sartorial observations, I do find myself wondering if there is indeed not some semblance of truth in her remarks, however unfortunately expressed those might have been.”

“No, no, no. You got it all wrong Jeeves. I am now much beyond the grasp of Aunt Agatha’s ever darkening view of her dear nephew. After all, we Woosters pride ourselves on being thick skinned.”

“Yes sir!”

“Decidedly pachyderm, we are! Stoic and whatnot.”

“There is indeed much that can be learnt from the wisdom of Pyrrho and..”

“Jeeves!”, I had to stop the man at the blossoming of his ideas lest he puts forward ideas even more bewildering than the words of the German bloke I had started my morning thinking about. True thoughts and what not.

“Yes sir!”

“I was not thinking about Aunt Agatha’s opinions. Not at all. And not about your Greek friends either.”

“I think it would be unforgivably impertinent of me to think of the Hellenistic philosophers as my friends, sir. I look up to them as a sherpa does to the peaks of Mount Everest down below from the valley.”

“You are a bloody good sherpa Jeeves! Indispensable. At least to Bertie Wooster.”

“Sir is indeed too generous with his praise.”

“But sometimes even you can be rather, what’s the phrase, not really in tune with the weather of the moment. Like right now.”

He put on a pained expression. Not dissimilar to the one that might have been discernible on old William’s face if someone down in the pub were to tell him that he had ten spelling errors in his final draft of The Tempest.

“Let me offer you, sir, my sincerest apologies for failing to catch the drift of sir’s thoughts.”

“That’s alright Jeeves. Sometimes even I fail to catch the drift of my own thoughts.”

“Indeed sir. Thoughts are most elusive.”

“You know something Jeeves. I was thinking about thoughts as well. Honoria told me at last night’s dinner something about thoughts being the shadows of our feelings, darker and simpler. At that time I thought it was a rather funny remark, now I think that it’s quite sad. Clever, nonetheless. ”

“Hardly original, sir, if I may say so. Miss Glossop, if you permit me to say so, had simply quoted Nietzsche.”

“Nietzsche, eh? Honoria seems to have a thing for him. About various German blokes, to be honest. I was actually exercising my old head on something else she told, some other quotation by a chap called Adorno, I couldn’t make a head or tail of it. I think it is completely rubbish.”

“What, sir?”

“Something like: true thoughts are those alone that do not understand themselves. Why do you think girls like Honoria and her likes quote such puzzling pearls of wisdom to yours truly, Jeeves? I find them disturbing, to say the least. Horrifying, even.”

“I am not an expert in the feminine psyche, sir. And even if I were, it is not quite my place sir to comment on the psychology of the girls in sir’s life.”

“Comment away, Jeeves!”

“I feel embarrassed to do so, sir. It is also possible that I am rather far off the mark in this matter.”

“It’s an order Jeeves. Remember, you are my sherpa and all.”

“Sir is too kind. But as you insist, I feel maybe the various ladies who are drawn towards sir’s inescapable charm see in him also a possible project. Someone to mold and shape into a perfect partner of their liking.”

I shuddered at the thought. “I am not made of clay, Jeeves.”

“Evidently not, sir. If I may say so, sir is often in grave underestimation of the powers of his own intuition and personality.”

“It is just my natural humility, Jeeves!”

“A great virtue though humility may be, I believe sir that it should not have the upper hand over one’s own autonomy.”

Yesterday’s continued Christmas festivities were rather taxing. Jeeves’s magical morning potion may have brought me back to the shores of life, it could hardly implant into me newfound abilities to riddle such Delphic utterings.

“Simplify for me, Jeeves. Are you suggesting that I ignore Aunt Agatha’s typically unkind remarks and attend her New Year’s party wearing the red dinner jacket.”

Jeeves shook his head ruefully. “Not the red jacket sir. It is rather too ostentatious.”

I sized him up to gauge the degree of his disapproval. Truth be told, I rather loved this golden buttoned red velvet jacket with magnificent threadwork of purple silk. I loved the moment I saw it in a shop window at Seville in the Autumn, and I strongly believe that our dour festivities can do a splash of such colorful whimsies.

“I love the jacket Jeeves. And didn’t you say something about autonomy?”

“If I may suggest so sir, I believe the jacket will be a perfect complement to your white silk suit when you attend the flamenco concert with Miss Glossop later in the Spring. But for a traditional New Year’s dinner, sir, I feel the newly acquired dark blue cashmere will strike the right balance between verve and gravitas.”

“Dash it, Jeeves, so how do you suggest I assert my autonomy.”

“I have an idea, sir. I think sir may want to do something immensely enjoyable for himself, something nourishing and beneficial to the body and spirit, yet something that would definitely meet with but the strongest reprobation from both the generations of Mrs. Traverse and Miss Glossop alike.” 

“This I like the sound of Jeeves. Carry on please.”

“Sir may be aware of the football matches taking place all around the country over the holiday period.”

“You know very well Jeeves that outside cricket and rowing my interest in sports is very limited at the best. I have never even been to a football match. I don’t think any of my friends have either.”

“There is always a first for everything, if you forgive me the cliche sir. And why not invite your friends to come along with you?”

“That’s a capital idea! But where to, my dear man? Bartie Wooster and his friends can hardly jump off to any jolly old football match in any strange ground without caring for the quality or the prestige. Or the fun”

“Sir is most astute. I will not dare to recommend to sir something quotidian and humdrum. I am well aware of sir’s natural inclination towards excellence.”

“Aren’t you laying it on too thick, my man?”

“Not at all sir! I believe I have precisely the perfect occasion, to be held in the perfect venue, to have the pleasure of introducing sir, and his friends, to the joys of following the greatest football team in this fair island of ours.”

“That sounds terrific Jeeves! But we will also need to find a way to let Aunt Agatha and Honoria know about our transgressions. Not in an obviously boasting way though.”

“Obviously sir, rebellion is most effective when it is conducted with a certain degree of nonchalance.”

“Well said Jeeves! We will nonchalantly go and watch this football match played by the best team in the country, and then equally nonchalantly will talk about them in our dinner conversations at Auntie’s party.”

“Sir, if he so desires, can even do better. Sir can put on the team colors of this club on the way to the match, mingle with the hoi polloi, and even take his photo with others wearing similar colors en route, and then casually display those photos on this drawing room. ”

“Are these team jerseys any good?”

“A resplendent red-and-white sir! Magnificent and incomparably beautiful.”    

“But where will I get those fabled shirts in such a short notice Jeeves?There is one for me, one for Gussie, one for Biffy, one for Rocky…”

“Leave that to me, sir, please! For our fellow travelers we will do whatever is necessary.”

“Who are these we you are talking about Jeeves?”

“May I request sir to indulge his humble servant for one more day, after which he will explain to sir the inner workings of all the mysteries?”

“Of course Jeeves! I already feel rebellious.”

“I am much obliged sir.  I am certain tomorrow’s experiences will bring forward an unbreakable, lifelong connection in sir’s life.”

“Will that bring me newer satisfaction, Jeeves?”        

“It will bring you something deeper, sir, a new purpose.”   

With a curt nod, Jeeves walked purposefully towards the doors while I brought my attention back to the spread of breakfast that is now getting a bit cold, but still remained delicious. 



White – Saliba – Gabriel – Zinchenko

Ødegaard – Rice – Trossard

Saka – Jesus – Martinelli    

Happy Holidays and Season’s Greetings everyone! Enjoy the last home game of the season. A hard-fought but assured 2-0 will do.

Come on Arsenal!

34 Drinks to “Jeeves starts a rebellion.”

  1. 1
    Las says:

    Master (Doctor) Faustus,
    hats off!
    2-0 will do for me.

  2. 2
    OsakaMatt says:

    Excellent, though I would never miss Glossop.
    I thought of a joke though I doubt I’m the first.
    I used to to have glossophobia,
    but I don’t like to talk about it.

  3. 3
    OsakaMatt says:

    And I expect you’re right about the team Dr F, and I hope you’re right about the score.
    Depends which West Ham turn up I suppose, I have seen them play badly and well this season.

    MA saying we are short in a couple of areas and will be on the lookout in the window.
    Read a couple of articles in The Athletic, one from Ornstein and one from James McN basically saying they have no idea who we are are going for – I wasn’t expecting Kiwior, Trossard or Jorginho last winter and there seems little point in guessing.

  4. 4
    Ollie says:

    I don’t know how you do it, Dr F, but this reads like another previewing ‘tour de force’.
    A masterpiece. Hope the best team in the country does it justice tonight.
    First late evening match for me in a long time!

  5. 5
    ClockEndRider says:

    What ho, Dr F! A marvellous way to wake up on the day of my first home game since December 2nd. I rather think pink gins all round in the pre-match hostelry of choice along with Gussie, Tuppy and Roderick! Followed by a 3-0 thrashing of those lower class barbarians from the docklands demi-monde. Pip-pip!

  6. 6
    Noosa Gooner says:

    Thanks Doc – another top,top preview
    I hope the new support will not need catering as I understand Bunter will already have cleaned out all the cake stands early doors.
    3-0 the order of the day with Rice to score a screamer.
    Happy New Year and UTA.

  7. 7
    Las says:

    It’s an older one wich looks like a well written PR article but clearly shows the other side of the coin.
    By the way I could not imagine that our Arsene Wenger could behave like this 🙂

  8. 8
    BtM says:

    I’m hoping to see ESR feature prominently tonight. If not, why not?

  9. 9
    Countryman100 says:

    It’s Frank McLintock’s birthday today. Happy birthday skipper.

  10. 10
    TTG says:

    No one can say we do not have variety on GHF or do not provide for more eclectic tastes ! Tbh I was never a great Wodehouse fan but DrF has captured him perfectly .
    As for the footie I’m not going tonight because of anticipated transport difficulties allied to a brutal local weather forecast
    2-0 with Declan notching one of them and a start for ESR say I

  11. 11
    TTG says:

    Happy birthday Frank ! True legend .

  12. 12
    Bathgooner says:

    What ho, Faustus, what ho!

    The ESR question is the biggest issue tonight, apart that is from winning the damn game. I agree with BtM on that score. If he doesn’t play a substantial part of this game then his days as a Gunner are almost certainly numbered as he has probably failed to meet MA8’s requirements despite the boss’s statement on his improved mental and physical condition. If so very sad.

    As for the opposition, BtM and I watched a performance by them at the Cottage that was frankly that of a relegation candidate. I hope that Spammer performance is reproduced tonight.

    Just win, Arsenal. Just win.

  13. 13
    Trev says:

    Faustus, I was struggling to decide while reading whether that was weird or brilliant. I decided ultimately that it was different and brilliant. Well done, Sir, if I may ?

    I like the idea of ripping them apart with an all out attacking display, but also worry about Bloody Bowen down our defensively, almost negligent, left hand side according to your line up. I wonder if MA might start with Jorginho in the middle with Rice on the left of midfield.
    ESR could then come on to replace Jorginho, and slot Rice back into the middle again.
    Like others though, I would really like to see ESR make it at the club and I’d be happy just to see him start.

    So let’s go gung-ho and do’em 4-0 (four-oh)
    Toodle-pip !

  14. 14
    Trev says:

    And Happy Birthday to the great Frank McLintock !

  15. 15
    Sancho Panza says:

    Dr F is a Ghf living legend.
    Has to be loan players only this January does it not? Would have liked a punt on Gykores before he slipped from Cov to Sporting and quadrupled his price tag.

  16. 16
    Bathgooner says:

    Oops, nearly forgot!

    Happy birthday and many happy returns, Skipper.

    Thanks for the reminder, C100 @9.

  17. 17
    North Bank Ned says:

    Bravo, Dr F. Another masterpiece.

    Happy birthday to Frank McLintock. 84!

  18. 18
    Doctor Faustus says:

    Thanks everyone for the kind words! And thank you for your benevolent tolerance of my whimsical previews, I appreciate that opportunity very much.

    About ESR, I feel maybe it’s too early for him to start a match of this intensity, especially given his recent unfortunate injury history. But he should definitely be one of the first substitutes to come on.

    Enjoy the game everyone! And Happy Holidays again!

    Come on Arsenal!

  19. 19
    ClockEndRider says:

    Well, if the pre match pub of choice is.anythjng to go by, the atmosphere tonight will be rocking. 5.30 and packed.

  20. 20
    Esso says:

    Cheers Doc!

  21. 21
    bt8 says:

    Let’s pip ‘em to the points!

    Cheers, Dr. F!

  22. 22
    Esso says:

    Arsenal: Raya, White, Saliba, Gabriel, Zinchenko, Rice, Trossard, Odegaard, Martinelli, Saka, Jesus

    Subs: Ramsdale, Kiwior, Cedric, Jorginho, Elneny, Nwaneri, Smith Rowe, Nelson, Nketiah

  23. 23
    Trev says:

    Hey Esso !

    Looks like we’re going for it then 👍🏻👍🏻

  24. 24
    Esso says:

    Here’s hoping Trev! Arseblog argued a good case for ESR starting today, but I always thought MA would start Trossard.,

  25. 25
    Bathgooner says:


    Just win!

  26. 26
    Sancho Panza says:

    At least Spurs are getting tonked.

  27. 27
    ecg says:

    We don’t look like a team that wants to win.

  28. 28
    Depressedgooner says:

    Abysmal, slow in attack, ponderous in defence, a shocking team wide performance, forget any VAR bs, this was as bad a performance as I can remember and I remember Stepanovs.

  29. 29
    North Bank Ned says:

    Defensive masterclass by Moyes. We could have played all night and not got the ball in the net. It’s disappointing but not season-defining.

  30. 30
    North Bank Ned says:

    I think it is all down to Saka’s new Barnet.

  31. 31
    Esso says:

    Poor result. Poor performance? Well it didn’t pull any fucking trees up. I really, really hope thats the last time we ever see Trossard starting at left 8. Not putting it down to him though. We were far from clinical in the final third (story of our season to date) and also let in two absolute shockers. Aint gonna beat West Ham like that, let alone win the league.

  32. 32
    Bathgooner says:

    Oh dear.

    Lots of effort, especially from Ødegaard, but no luck at all in our attacks, no sparkle and too much faffing around without adequate penetration (lots of sexual analogies but I can’t be arsed). I also thought we were much too ponderous and predictable in our build-ups and produced Mustafi-esque defending for their first goal. On the other hand it was masterful defensive performance by the predictably unadventurous Spammers. They must be dreadful to watch on a regular basis.

    Nice save by David Raya. Goal difference might be important in May.

  33. 33
    Sancho Panza says:

    It may not be season defining but we desperately need a win at the weekend now.
    Too many first 11 off form and that subs bench has Joe Average on the back of every shirt.

  34. 34
    Bathgooner says: