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We Need To Tear Bayern A Neuer One

Apr 16th, 2024 by

This season has been an aberration for Bayern Munich in that they will not win the Bundesliga title. The German champions will be Bayer Leverkusen and our own Granit Xhaka. It’s a well worn joke by now but no less worthy of repetition for that – one of “their own”, Harry Kane, left the Spuds in desperation to finally win a guaranteed title in Bavaria with Munich, champions of the Bundesliga for the last twelve seasons. He was joined by his Tottenham mate Eric, Dier by name and Dire by nature, and such has been their influence that Leverkusen have won the title and currently sit no less than sixteen points ahead of the Bavarians with five games left to play! It was still a brave move for Kane in some ways, not least in having to learn the Bavarian dialect of a language which is a challenge to many natural German speakers, let alone an Englishman who struggles with his own native language.

Seriously though, there is no doubt about the size of the task facing us this Wednesday. While Bayern may not have been performing to standard domestically this season, the Champions League has been a different matter. They took 16 of a possible 18 points in the group stage, and dispatched Lazio in the Round of 16 by a 3-1 aggregate score, although they did lose the away leg by a goal to nil.

They remain fearsome opponents with huge resources and while under German regulations the official owners of the club are FC Bayern München AG, they are co-owned by Adidas, Audi, Allianz SE and president of the club Herbert Hainer, the former CEO of Adidas Group and chairman of the supervisory board to the club. They play in the 75,000 capacity Allianz Arena where we can expect a massively hostile atmosphere created by their fans who, incidentally, pay an average £21.00 for the privilege! Dream on, Gooners!

With 30 German league titles – 29 in the Bundesliga era – and 20 DFB Cup honours, they are by far the most decorated club in Germany and, whisper it quietly, they also have six European Cup/Champions League titles. But hey, we all have to get lucky sometimes!

The Ancient History

Bayern is the German name for Bavaria, one of the 16 states of Germany. Bayern may also refer to: Kingdom of Bavaria (Königreich Bayern), a state existing from 1806 to 1918, and, Electorate of Bavaria (Kurfürstentum Bayern), an independent hereditary electorate existing from 1623 to 1806.
All Bavarians call their state Bayern when they’re speaking German. They might accommodate English speakers by using Bavaria – a word that harks back to the Baiovarii, a tribe who settled there in the 5th century – and is probably Latin in origin.

The Modern History

Ex-long term player and French international Franck Ribery gave a teary-eyed farewell speech to the Bayern Munich fans at the end of the 2018-19 Bundesliga campaign, but what did the Frenchman mean when, with his hand on his heart, he signed off with the words “Mia san Mia”? Arsenal fans at close quarters with their Bayerischer counterparts may be wondering what exactly that means emblazoned on their scarves. Well, he wasn’t actually speaking French. Ribery was actually reciting Bayern’s club motto – the Bavarian variation of the German “Wir sind wir” or, in English, “We are who we are.”

“Mia san Mia” is a phrase that has its roots in the 19th century Austro-Hungarian Empire, and was later used by German politician Franz Josef Strauss – chairman of the Christian Social Union in Bavaria (CSU) from 1961 until 1988 – before being adopted by Bayern München during the 1980s.
“Mia san Mia stands for the complete will to succeed,” explains homegrown Bayern star Thomas Müller. “That’s how we manage to turn games round so often. There’s no middle ground, only wins. “Mia san Mia stands for a hardcore winning mentality with a good dose of self-belief, but without any arrogance. Whoever wants to win in life has to work hard for it. It’s the same as for professional footballers. The best footballers always play for Bayern. Everyone gives it their all in training. Anyone who can’t get on with the idea is in the wrong place. It’s something we all try to teach the younger players. There’s nothing that’s more important.”

The situation is thus described by Müller in a tone which betrays that notoriously German lack of humour – a trait which establishes itself at a very early age and is well illustrated in the case of the British couple who adopted a German baby. The baby was totally healthy but he never spoke a single word. As he turned two, three and four, the couple tried everything, taking him to doctors and a variety of therapists who all said he was fine – but he just didn’t speak. Then one morning at breakfast, on his tenth birthday, he suddenly said, “This strudel is a bit tepid, don’t you agree?” The parents were stunned and cried, “Wolfgang! You’ve never spoken a word in your entire life before – we thought you couldn’t speak! Why have you never said anything before?” “Well,” replied the boy, “because until now everything has been satisfactory!”

The Team News

Manager Thomas Tuchel is already a dead man walking at Bayern but, in accordance with their club motto, that will not stop the players from giving their all to try to win Europe’s top prize.

Tommy Heinz, my well informed German sauce, is reporting that the Germans will be without Alphonso Davies, who is suspended for this leg, and Serge Gnabry, Leroy Sane (doubt), Manuel Neuer – the captain – and Kingsley Coman, are all set to miss out with various injuries. Coman, who was to replace either Gnabry or Sane as Bayern’s flying wingers, apparently suffered a thigh injury against FC Köln on Saturday afternoon. Oh dear, what a shame, how sad!

It would appear that Harry The Spud will be free to continue making backs for, and aiming elbows at, our defenders in the absence of the clear and obvious red card he should have had last week for his assault on Gabriel. If only there was some sort of instant replay video system to rectify such injustice. What? Really….?!

Whoever plays for The Arsenal, we are going to need to learn fast from the home leg – something the team has shown itself to be very capable of – and defend both wings properly, and a lot better than we did at The Emirates. That task should be somewhat easier if both Gnabry and Sane are indeed unavailable, but total concentration will be the order of the day.

Personally, I would go with a front three of Saka, Havertz and Martinelli, who seems more effective unsettling teams with his pace from the start than trying to get into the game later on. Conversely, Gabriel Jesus, who has had most of his better performances in the Champions League, seems more effective of late as an impact substitute than as a starter.

Whether we defend and counter attack – as we did at the Etihad – or try to catch Bayern cold with a fast start on the front foot, will be interesting to see. Interesting and nerve wracking. Should it end all square, we will have to beat the Germans at penalties. Eeek!

I would go with the following line-up, which will undoubtedly be proved wrong on the night –

Raya
White, Saliba, Gabriel, Tomiyasu
Ødegaard, Jorginho, Rice
Saka, Havertz, Martinelli

… with Jesus and Trossard as impact subs, and Partey to come on for Jorginho or Rice if either tires, or we need more direct vertical passing.
Due to the seriousness and intensity of this clash, I have deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It is now completely Hans free….

The Match Officials

It’s quite odd that the choice of match officials deserves a special mention in a football blog but, in keeping with their PGMOL counterparts, foreign referees can have a major bearing on our European fixtures – the Champions League Final in 2006 where Jens Lehmann was hastily and unnecessarily sent off so early in the game; a tie at the Emirates when the Dutch referee was practically Dirk Kuyt’s next door neighbour and denied us everything, all night; and last week when the Swedish referee failed to red card Harry Kane, and was then fooled by Manuel Neuer into refusing Bukayo Saka a last minute penalty. Bitter? Me? You bet!

Anyway, this game against Bayern will be controlled – we hope – by a team of officials from the Netherlands led by Mr Danny Makkelie, and assisted by Hessel Steegstra and Jan de Vries, who I thought sounded like an ex-Dutch-international player, but it turns out his namesake was a renowned Dutch naturopath. Well, someone might be interested……..

The Holic Pound

Bayern are the bookies favourites to win at 7/5 or 13/10 with the two sources I checked. The draw is 13/5 with both, while an Arsenal win can be had at 15/8 or 9/5, so 2/1 for non-pedants. Good luck if you are brave enough to stake your hard earned on the outcome.

Try to enjoy the game. Hopefully we’ll be here on Thursday morning with lifted spirits and renewed optimism for a major trophy this term. This manager and this team deserve our support for a season of continued improvement – whatever happens.

And sorry for the German jokes. I know – they’re the wurst 😉

Posted in Champions League, Match Preview | 61 Drinks »

Villains Break and Enter to Steal the Points

Apr 15th, 2024 by

For the second time this season Arsenal were left to rue a string of missed chances as we lost to Unai Emery’s Aston Villa.

In the first half we were all over them. Saka had Digne on toast and Odegaard found him in behind with a series of balls, none of which we made the most of. On the other side, Trossard played in Havertz but his shot was blocked, and the pair interchanged well without creating enough clear chances.

Havertz was deployed deeper than we have seen recently, starting in midfield behind Jesus in the striker’s role. He had license to run beyond our feisty Brazilian, and Konsa was unsure whether to stay with Trossard on the wing or follow Kai’s clever runs. However, the German’s lack of pace shone through a few times when he couldn’t get away from the rapid Douglas Costa whose speed got him back in position to make some important blocks and tackles.

We played one beautiful, sweeping move which ended with a free header for Jesus at the back post. He headed it down and wide. I love him as a player, but today he highlighted why there has been clamour for a striker; like Havertz, he can score goals, but he is not clinical in front of goal.

We outplayed them comfortably for the whole half. There were moments when Trossard and Jesus sprinted back to nick balls off the toes of Villa attackers, which helped keep our stranglehold on the game.

They had one good chance when Gabriel sprayed an out ball into Zinchenko’s back and Watkins ran through on goal before hitting the inside of the post. It was a let-off, as we could have gone in a goal down which would have been wildly unfair but we had not capitalised on a lot of excellent football. Had we done the same against Bayern, I’d expect us to be losing.

Immediately though we fashioned our best chance, Trossard hitting a shot from 5 yards out that allowed Martinez to make a save when there was a lot the goal available where he would not have reached it. However, unlike some of our other options, Trossard is very good in front of goal, and no-one can score them all, so I don’t want to go in on him for missing this one. Unfortunately though, Captain Hindsight reckons if he’d scored it then we’d have won the match.

I’m sure many of us were worried at half-time that we had been so profligate but the team have given us so much reason to be optimistic there was no need to be unduly worried at half-time. Or was there?

Villa improved a lot in the second half. They calmed down and strung some passes together. We stopped building through midfield, and tried to play longer passes forward, drying up much of the possession in their half that Odegaard had used so well in the first period.

Saka continued to get fouled. David Coote continued to give marginal calls to Villa and yellow cards only to our players. Havertz got one for a reason I could not tell you. I didn’t see anything worthy of a foul, or him get the card, and then a caption came up telling me he had a yellow. Douglas Costa wildly high kicked Odegaard in the chest with a swing that was never going to get the ball. It was not malicious but it was daft. David Coote didn’t think it was worth a yellow. There are many things I do not think David Coote’s refereeing is worth.

Zanniolo fouled, faked and harried his way round the pitch. When not being a petulant tit, he did some good stuff with the ball, and had an excellent second half until he got subbed, seemingly with a slight injury.

Villa had not created lots but as the game began to get tense and both managers made subs, they began to exert some pressure. We put on Tomi, Gabigol, ESR and Jorginho for Odegaard, Jesus, Trossard and White. Benjamin looked like he might have had a little niggle. Let’s hope it is nothing serious.

The crowd tried to get behind the team but even on TV the nerves were becoming palpable.

We defended a few corners but our attacking output had dried up. We really needed to steady the ship in midfield. Much like a European tie, the key was not to concede…

On 84 minutes, we conceded.

It was a crap goal that I don’t want to rewatch to describe it to you. We should have cleared it. Then we should have stopped the cross at source or in the box. We did none of those things and it went through to Bailey, who slotted it in at the back post.

A couple of minutes later and it was truly game over. Watkins ran through, onside, as he was in his own half when the ball was played, and we left him acres to run into. ESR did a decent job tracking back but Watkins did well to hold him off and finish beautifully over Raya, who went down early, although it was the quality of the finish that made the goal, not what the keeper did. Watkins is a player I like a lot. It was a hugely well-taken goal after we had kept him quiet all game. It rather showed us what we’d missed.

We huffed and puffed a bit, bringing Eddie on for an airing, but nothing came of eight minutes of extra time and Coote put us out of our misery.

So, on a day when Poo also lost, what to make of a result that puts City top?

Well, personally, after a run of ten wins and a draw at the champions, I did not expect us win another seven in a row as we swept to the title. It just doesn’t work like that.

Sure, we all wanted the win today, and if we’d finished better in the first half then it was there for us. However, there are always unexpected results at this stage of the season. The pressure does funny things to players and teams. City might win their remaining games and win the league. If they do, then fair enough (obviously I am not suggesting there is anything fair about what City do), sometimes other teams play well, get good results, and we don’t control that.

I would be surprised if they don’t drop more points though. And I quite fancy us to pick up points whilst the pressure is on City. Both us and Pool have lasted barely a week at the top since we reached the summit. Let City play with the pressure whilst we follow in their slipstream. We just need to put it behind us, focus on our performances and ensure we are ready to pounce if they slip up.

All is far from lost. There are plenty of important games still to play.

Bayern are next and a chance to put ourselves three games away from being European Champions.

We are just where we have dreamed of being for years. No-one said it would be easy, but we need to keep the faith – there aren’t any fat ladies singing just yet.

Until next time ‘holics.

Posted in Match Report | 28 Drinks »

This is OUR time.

Apr 13th, 2024 by

On a weekend where we have to hew to our winning ways we play last among the top three, hosting Unai Emery’s Aston Villa Sunday in a late afternoon tilt. We can fully expect Liverpool to decimate Crystal Palace earlier on Sunday, and Al-Citeh to crush Luton on Saturday, leaving us in 3rd place at kickoff. Putting three points on the board is therefore essential, but with them having beaten us 1-0 at Villa Park in December, it is not a given. That loss started our last mini-slide of this season, the run of results that culminated with our January loss to Liverpool in the FA Cup: 7 played, 1 win, 2 draws, 4 losses. Fortunately, we had two weeks in Dubai after that…

Aston Villa

Unai is leading Villa in a battle for the 4th place Premier League trophy against the surging little club from Middlesex; even though they play Saturday against the Oilers-upon-Tyne, Villa stands to be in the same position coming into our game Sunday. A loss by the little chickens will only use their game in hand, they’d likely be in 4th on goal difference. Expect Emery to have impressed upon his squad the importance of not conceding early, of watching for the out ball on the break, and, perhaps, on a mid-block of a creative bent to confound our current ability to press and hold teams in their own half.

Villa is also in the last 16 of the Europa Conference League, having beaten Lille 2-1 at Villa Park on Thursday. The short turnaround time will challenge their fitness levels, not least because they have an extensive list of first-team absentees. Kamara, Mings, Buendia, and Ramsey are all out for the season; last year the latter three were nailed-on starters, and Kamara played consistent minutes. This year Mings and Buendia have played one game between them; Kamara and Ramsey have played more, but are now unavailable. Cash (hamstring) and Lenglet (knock) are questionable, but I’d be surprised if both were out.

While Emery can call on a relatively experienced team built this laste few months, his midfield is going to be further shorn of Luiz, as he is suspended for two games for amassing 10 yellow cards before Villa’s 32nd game. Watkins, Diaby, Bailey and Duran can be expected up front, McGinn will probably pair with Tielemans in a double-pivot, in front of Konsa and Digne on the corners on either side of Torres and Carlos. Ex-Arsenal keeper Martinez will get the nod in goal. Watkins is their obvious goal threat, as well as their primary source of assists; Diaby, Bailey, and McGinn round out that threat. Hopefully the absence of Luiz’s goals and assists will be telling.

In their last 6 league games Villa has won 2, lost 2, and drawn 2. Very middle-of-the-road. Under Emery they play a variety of formations, focusing on getting numbers around the ball and counterattacking quickly through their wings in front of a high defensive line. Their possession varies by opponent, ranging from 33% against Al-Citeh 70% against West Ham; they were slaughtered by City and drew the Hammers. They beat us in December on a fine goal from McGinn, but we were profligate against the high line they played, and VAR did us no favors.

The Arsenal

We come into the game having had a solid rest after Tuesday’s Champions eague draw against Bayern. While we still have Timber out with his long-term knee injury (hopefully coming to an end soon, in time for the final few games of the season), the only other possible issue is Gabriel, who seemed to be fine after Kane’s assault but might be carrying a knock that could keep him out of the starting lineup. Otherwise we’re healthy and can field a full team.

As has been plastered all over the news Arsenal are unbeaten in the league in 2024. In our last six we’ve won five and drawn last year’s champions, using a press that could crease linen and offensive maneuvers that leave opponents in the dark. This game shouldn’t be harder for us to play than Bayern or Al-Citeh, yet I fear we will let down our guard (despite Arteta’s focused training this week) and will find it tough going. We scored early against Bayern and we let it go to our heads. Are we tougher in the league than that, after such a draw in midweek? Can we maintain our composure, our press, and our lovely interplay after scoring an early goal, and force the Villans to try and play on the front foot? I do hope so.

After calls by some here that I was partaking of too much California green hospitality in choosing my team for the Brighton game, I’ll reach a little further than that in choosing this one. We lacked a modicum of control with Kiwior (who didn’t have as bad a game as all that) against Bayern, and suffered at the hands of a speedy winger, probably one of the best in the game. Jorginho didn’t have a particularly great game; and we were relatively sloppy at times with our passing and decision-making. I suggest we try something with Zinchenko that some have called for, but Arteta hasn’t seen fit to choose for our lineup:

Raya
White — Saliba — Gabriel — Tomiyasu
Rice — Mø — Zinchenko
Saka — Havertz — Jesús

Tomi and White give us offensive threat and solid defense (and I expect Gabriel to partner per usual with Saliba), while Zinchenko can give in to his natural roaming quality and shuttle between Rice and Mø. This will also give Rice a bit of a chance to sit back and breathe, and dictate the game in front of the back four. Martinelli coming on in the 70th minute against a tiring Villa defense has no little appeal, and Jesús’ play versus Bayern brought us back to level on the tie. If Zinny tires there’s Trossard to slot right in. Conventional? Not at all, but I think it has potential, especially given how we’ve been pressing through the midfield, pushing teams back and back and back…one of White or Tomi pushing up making three at the back with Rice means we can really dictate the pace and intensity of play, and have two maestros on the ball with Mø and Zinny. Go ahead, tear it apart 🙂

The Holics Pound

It’s a tough market. We are 2/7 to win outright, and you have to a score of Arsenal 3-1 Villa to break 10/1. Arsenal 3-2 Villa gets you 25/1, though if you think we’ll shut them out you can more than double your money from 4-0 to 5-0 with 14/1 becoming 29/1.

I think we’re in for a tougher game than the bookies figure, but we can certainly win this game. The pressure will likely be on us to keep pace with Liverpool and the Oilers, we’re facing a Villa team pushing hard for Champions League football next year, and there’s always the “Emery comes back to the Grove” factor. If you go to the game enjoy it thoroughly, be loud and proud and let our boys know you’re behind them 100%. It is THIS time of the season where the margins are so small that we fans have to push every ounce of energy towards our team, lifting them and electrifying them to help them over the line. We know you can do it! COYG!!!

Posted in Match Preview | 43 Drinks »

Arsenal feel robbed but all to play for in Munich

Apr 10th, 2024 by

Embed from Getty Images

There was a distinct buzz around Holloway yesterday evening as the Arsenal faithful walked up to the Emirates stadium. As we entered the ground it seemed very strange seeing red and white in the away end. The home crowd were very loud and passionate. “North London Forever” rang out into the night sky.

The team were unchanged from Brighton except at left back where Kiwior came in for Zinchenko. There were a few muttering around me that they’d have preferred Tomiyasu.

Raya, White, Saliba, Gabriel, Kiwior, Rice, Jorginho, Ǿdegaard, Saka, Havertz, Martinelli.

The referee was Glen Nyborg from Sweden, handling only his sixth CL game and his first knock out game. He was to have a significant impact. Familiar faces were all around on the Bayern side, Kane, Dier (both roundly booed all night), Leroy Sane, Manuel Neuer inter alia.

Very early on (8th minute), Alphonso Davies picked up possibly a harsh yellow card following a heavy tackle on Saka. He will now miss the next leg next week.

We opened the scoring with a wonderful goal from Saka. Ǿdegaard to Saka, to Havertz to White who played an excellent pass in the area to Bukayo. Taking barely a touch, he curled the ball into the far corner.

Arsenal 1-0 Bayern Munich (Saka 11)

On 16 minutes, White was laid in and had a clear shot at Neuer. Unfortunately he hit it straight at him. Arteta afterwards said this was a “critical moment in the game”.

We were in complete control. But just following this we let in one of those goals we were so familiar with in 2023, but thought we had eliminated in 2024. The ball was punted forward from the Bayern penalty area. It looked easy for Gabriel, but Raya had rushed forward to within 10 yards of the half way line. This seemed to throw Gabriel who, denied the simple pass back to his goalkeeper, tried to find Kiwior ahead of him. He slipped slightly, causing the ball to miss Kiwior and gave the ball away to Sane. He played a great ball to Goretska who slipped it to Gnabry who scored. An awful goal to give away. What was Raya doing?

Arsenal 1-1 Bayern Munich (Gnabry 18)

Kiwior had been having a hard time against the electric Sane. On the half hour he was tight against Sane on the touchline on the halfway line. He was rolled and Sane was away. He ran into the box where he was eventually tripped by Saliba. A clear penalty. In the CL you get punished for losing the ball.

Arsenal 1-2 Bayern Munich (Kane, pen, 33 minutes)

We haven’t been in this situation for a long time. And it almost got worse. Counterattacking again, Sane was left unopposed to run into our half. Ǿdegaard slowed him down just enough for Ben White to make a magnificent saving tackle in the box. A big moment. We were staring 3-1 in the face. What had happened to our impregnable defence?

HT Arsenal 1-2 Bayern Munich

At half time, the beleaguered Kiwior was swapped for Zinchenko. Still no Tomi (in retrospect this was a good move when we had to chase the game). On 54 mins, Kane threw an elbow at Gabriel and hit him in the jaw. He was given a yellow card, but for me it was a straight red. The referee bottled sending off the England Captain. He looked around to size up where Gabi was, didn’t jump (so no need for leverage) and made hard contact to the face. VAR was finishing his half time coffee and had nothing to say. But it was an indication that perhaps this game was too big for this ref.

On 65 minutes the subs began. Amazingly, for me, Sane was hooked for Comen. He had been their best player and didn’t look injured. For us Jesus and Trossard came on for Martinelli and Jorginho.

Straight after the subs, Raya seemed to take a goal kick to Gabriel, who picked it up and put it back on the six yard line. Bayern players screamed for a penalty. I don’t know, but it was possibly another indication of a lack of focus in our defence. Anyway, nothing given, play on, not even mentioned by the TNT commentators. On 68 minutes the excellent Gnabry limped off with a possible hamstring injury. Let’s hope it keeps him out of next week.

Arsenal pushed forward. The crowd roared them on. Bayern players flopped to the ground at every opportunity, slowing the game down. On 76 minutes the ball went to Jesus, five yards outside the area. He jinked left and right, drove into the area and made a perfect square ball to Trossard who swept it first time into the corner of the net. A brilliant goal, made by the subs combining. Chaos in the crowd.

Arsenal 2-2 Bayern (Trossard 76)

More subs. Partey on for Havertz (who had an excellent linking game). Five minutes of added on time. Our hearts stopped as we went past 90 mins as Musiali got to the byline, and cut it back. Coman made a great run, flicked it goalwards, it went through Raya’s legs and hit the post! Phew!

And so to the most controversial moment of the game. First Ǿdegaard was flattened by Davies just outside the box. No foul given. Then, from a great vertical ball from Partey, Saka was in the area and running at Neuer. He went down from the goalkeepers challenge. 60,000 throats screamed for a penalty. Rio Ferdinand (no friend of Arsenal) was sure it was a penalty. So did Martin Keown. So, from row 9, most assuredly did I. Neuer clearly moved his right leg towards Saka and made contact. Nothing given. Full time.

FT Arsenal 2-2 Bayern Munich

In the cold light of day, that penalty is given 8/10 times. Make that 10/10 for Harry Kane.

So we scored two great goals, conceded two silly goals and had the character to come back from a losing position. We will learn from this. Bayern were very good. It was a great game. But there is all to play for in the second leg. We can beat them over there.

Posted in Match Report | 41 Drinks »

Old Foes Reunited

Apr 8th, 2024 by

Embed from Getty Images

It has been 14 years since Arsenal Football Club last played in a UEFA Champions League quarter final but tomorrow evening that will come to a long-awaited end when our old nemesis, Bayern Munich, come to town.

Despite being born in the very early 2000s as my pseudonym would suggest, I am indeed old enough to recall our most recent appearance at this stage way back in 2010 (some two thirds of my life ago) as we were pitted against a Barcelona side who were truly at the peak of their powers and then some. Despite a valiant 2-2 draw in N5 when we really should have been down and out at half time, in the second leg we were treated to the Lionel Messi show as he stuck four goals past a hapless Arsenal defence as we lost 6-3 on aggregate.

Seven consecutive Last 16 defeats ensued to a number of different opponents; We would succumb to the wrath of Messi and co on a further two occasions, AC Milan (if only RVP didn’t attempt the chip), Monaco (thanks Giroud) and Bayern x3 (do we really need reminding?!) which preceded another seven years of exile from the Champions League altogether, but three thousand iPhones, five Prime Ministers and one global pandemic later, Arsenal are finally back where Ivan Gazidis told us we belong and that is competing in the latter stages of the Champions League with Bayern Munich. Or was it Leicester?

It’s been a mostly enjoyable ride to the last eight, we won our group comfortably, scoring some lovely goals along the way but then came a very hairy 210 minute or so tie with Porto in which we scraped through via a penalty shootout victory, courtesy of some much-needed David Raya heroics as well as most of our players being quite good at converting from 12 yards. It was a tie we could’ve easily lost in years gone by, but we did the opposite of losing and that’s something we’ve done quite a lot lately.

So, what about Bayern Munich? Well, as I said in the first two words of that previous sentence, for much of this campaign Bayern have been a little bit ‘so what.’ They currently lie in second place, some 16 points behind Bayer Leverkusen with only 18 points to play for in the Bundesliga. Bayern will arrive in North London as the German Champions as they have been for over a decade, but there is a very good chance that by the time CER and I touch down in Munich next week, they will have been stripped of their crown.

It is not easy to understand why Bayern have collapsed in the way that they have but could it be in some way related to a certain player who is affected by a serious medical affliction known as “Spursiness”? Yes that’s right folks, I am of course talking about Harry “no medals” Kane. In fairness to the former Spurs skipper, he has been banging the goals in at his usual rate, but he clearly possesses some sort of trophyless stench that impairs the abilities of his teammates, a stench Kane himself has become nose blind to.

All jokes aside, he is in my opinion the greatest striker on the planet, a player who can score a goal out of nothing and as complete forwards go Kane is one of the best strikers not just currently but of the last 20 odd years. I do honestly enjoy the fact that he’s no longer of a Spurs persuasion allowing us to enjoy his abilities more than what was previously socially and morally acceptable when he was over on the dark side of Seven Sisters Road. Of course, it won’t all be about him, but his return to North London was unsurprisingly touted as one of the main narratives when the draw was made, and Gabriel and Saliba will have a huge task in keeping him quiet. Expect him to be greeted by a loud cacophony of boos every time he touches the ball!

Elsewhere, Bayern also boast the lightening bolt that is Leroy Sane, a man Arteta knows very well indeed from his time in Middle East Manchester. On the other flank there is the promising Musiala and of course Serge Gnabry, formerly of this parish and a reject from the Tony Pulis school of late 2000’s hoof ball. To the surprise of a man of Pulis’ genius, Serge has gone on to do all right for himself in Bavaria. Although I suppose that means little when you aren’t six foot seven, don’t have webbed hands and feet and are not in possession of a forklift truck license.

Bayern also boast the likes of Joshua Kimmich and Leon Goretzka and at the back we are likely to see Upamecano and De Ligt, two players who haven’t set the world alight following promising starts to their careers at Leipzig and Ajax respectively.

Despite Bayern’s poor domestic form, you would expect them to be right up for this given it is their only realistic shot at silverware this season. They are a far more experienced European side than we; how much that will count for will be very interesting indeed. We will need to bring the noise, scarves and preferably our dinner too. Don’t forget your schnitzel and Lederhosen!

There will be no Bayern fans in the ground due to UEFA sanctions so whether the additional 3,000 seats will be taken up by Gunners fans or the “UEFA football family” will be something worth looking out for.

As far as Arteta’s team selection goes, bar Timber we have a completely clean bill of health which is rather handy. I expect Tomiyasu to come in for Zinchenko on the left to combat Sane’s tendency to cut inside, and it will be interesting to see who starts alongside Rice out of Partey and Jorginho. I suspect it will be the latter. Further forward I would start Jesus on the left and stick with Havertz down the middle. I am willing to admit he is starting to prove me wrong. As the saying goes, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!”

I, along with every Arsenal fan near and far, am really looking forward to this one and I do fancy us to go through to the semis. We are in incredible form right now and the possibility of a league and European Cup double is well and truly on, and it’s been a while since we’ve been able to say that. 2-0 to the Arsenal in N5 followed by a gritty 1-1 draw in Bavaria is what my sources are telling me.

COYG!!!!

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