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Throwing the control aside in disgust Matteo Guendouzi reflected that three hours of Fifa was an unsatisfactory way to spend time he should have been playing real football. He also considered that the eleven year old who had just dominated him like Sead Kolasinac dealing with potential muggers was probably a Spurs fan anyway. Life must be pretty grim for him and Matteo did not grudge him his victory. At least in the game the poor little kid got to see his team play with strikers. And without the grim spectre of Mourinho pouting on the sideline, shoulders hunched into his coat, the short greying hair giving him the air of some sort of scavenger bird, a wily buzzard waiting for his team to die before picking their carcasses clean. Guendouzi felt a cold tingle down his spine and shivered.

Glancing at the clock he saw that it was 7.26 pm. It was agonising. He should have been coming out of the tunnel at the home of last year’s champions. The injury to poor Lucas would surely have got him a start? The boss could not keep playing Granit forever, could he? He frowned at the thought of a man who could make turning 180 degrees with a football look more laboured than an octogenarian doing the same with a shopping cart. Back in the home country his great grandpa had done all his own shopping and that of two of his neighbours well into his nineties. He had still looked more sprightly than the Swiss, and, unlike Granit, you could rely on his distribution.

Matteo looked about aimlessly, lost for inspiration. He needed something to do.

When he had first been told that he was not allowed to go anywhere near any of the other members of his team he had had a flashback to Unai Emery’s tactical briefings. Once he understood that it just meant that he had to stay at home for a few days he calmed down a little but now the reality of life without chasing a ball was hitting home and he yearned to be training with the lads. He thought of them, wondering what they were doing right now, right when the match should have been kicking off.

He thought of Xhaka, at home cooking dinner, really, really slowly. Perhaps trying to bake some chicken with tomatoes and managing to give the ball away on the edge of the penalty area. How could anyone be so good at that? He imagined Shkodran, slide tackling his children before bed, his arm raised in a desperate appeal to his wife that the younger one was surely offside? He thought of Papa, sitting motionless and staring angrily at a wall, trying to knock it down with the sheer force of his disapproval.

He knew that Nicolas did not cook himself but was not allowed even to serve dinner at home anymore. After his chef had spent so long preparing wonderful meals everyone found it infuriating to see Pepe bring them towards the table only to turn away, turn back, turn away, turn back and repeat this maddening dance for minutes until he finally put the cold food down on the kitchen counter, about ten feet from where anyone wanted it.

He wondered about checking Sky Sports to see if Auba had scored. If anyone could get a goal without actually playing a match it was him. By the same token he wondered if Laca had missed any chances yet? Mesut crossed his mind but flitted out of it almost immediately, leaving no trace that he had ever been there. Perhaps he was a ghost? Berndt, however, was surely a vampire? With reflexes sharper than any human being. And a mortal fear of crosses.

He thought about calling Gabigol for a chat but dismissed the idea. He had probably ignored the advice to isolate himself and was playing street football with a bunch of kids who hated him because he never stopped running and acted like every game was the World Cup Final. Gabigol was the only one who Matteo thought liked running more than he did. Although Gabi liked everything more than everyone. He could be locked up in a prison cell for a day and still find a way to be relentlessly enthused about the possibilities. And cover eleven kilometres.

Suddenly his phone buzzed. He looked down and saw David was calling him. He smiled as he answered the call of his Hair-Brother-From-Another-Mother.

“Yo! David!”

“Ola, Matteo! What are you up to?”

“Nothing man. I am so bored. You?”

“Mate. MATE! I am having a hilarious time. Best night in EVER! I had to call you, you are the only one who would understand. I am gonna send you the photos.”

The laughter from the end of the line was infectious. Matteo had never heard David like this.

“What photos, David? What’s going on?”

“I am telling you mate. I wish I had had this much time to myself before… It never occurred to me to do it… I never knew how brilliant they were. This is the funniest thing ever. I look HILARIOUS!”

“Dave, seriously, cut the suspense. What are you doing? What’s going on?”

“Matteo, I have just discovered HAIR STRAIGHTENERS!”

56 Drinks to “Matchless”

  1. 1
    Countryman100 says:

    Brilliant. Just brilliant

  2. 2
    Bathgooner says:

    The very words I was going to type CM100. Thanks for a good laugh at this dark time, GSD. A glass of your favourite tipple is on the bar. 😂😂😂

  3. 3
    scruzgooner says:

    brilliant, gsd. seriously, seriously memorable. you took something tough and turned it into a laugh and a half. well done.

  4. 4
    Brendan says:

    Wordy

    Goodbye
    God rest David Faber

  5. 5
    Doctor Faustus says:

    Sheer brilliance!!

    If, please no, us ‘Holics have to not write match reports in the near future then this may very well inspire all of us to a virtual, 21st century, Arsenal centric version of Decameron. 😅

  6. 6
    Cynic says:

    Laughing at Liverpool.

    Can we cancel the rest of the Premier League season tomorrow and declare the season void? ‘twould be perfection.

  7. 7
    TTG says:

    Great work GSD . Very funny but very insightful too . I can see Granit labouring over the Rosti and Pepe twisting himself into knots deciding if he wants to reach the table or not . Nice to have some humour in such dark times . By the way Mourinho isn’t a wily old buzzard but he has an old buzzard’s willy . Allegedly

  8. 8
    Trev says:

    🤪 Well played !

    and thanks, GSD, for not writing that match report 😏

  9. 9
    scruzgooner says:

    or, rather, for writing that not match report… 😀

  10. 10
    OsakaMatt says:

    Great stuff GSD!
    I laughed happily and skipped the
    rest of the news with my coffee
    this morning 🙂

  11. 11
    bt8 says:

    Ya gotta love the frizzy hair twins bonding over hair straighteners, and Xhaka and Pepe playing out their on field flaws in the household. Great stuff, GSD. Way to push the envelope!

  12. 12
    North Bank Ned says:

    Impressive, GSD. Funny and smart. Life gave you a lemon and you made lemonade.

  13. 13
    North Bank Ned says:

    The Scousers are just running out of steam. They have also run out of the luck that kept them mostly injury-free. They would have won if Alisson had been fit to play.

  14. 14
    Noosa Gooner says:

    OM from last drinks,

    Pretty quiet here but usually so this time of year. The next school holidays will really show what impact the virus has on Oz locals’ travel plans.
    In the meantime – UTA.

  15. 15
    OsakaMatt says:

    @13
    Very true all of that Ned.
    They’ve a thinner squad than
    Shitty (who hasn’t?) and the
    strain has just told.
    But even if the season is
    cancelled I fear Cynic’s wish
    @6 will not come true 😃
    Though I must admit I would
    certainly laugh too.

  16. 16
    OsakaMatt says:

    @14 Noosa
    Oh I see, it’s the school holiday
    time here so I jumped to the
    wrong conclusion. Anyways
    UTA as you say and the best of
    luck to us all

  17. 17
    Gunnersaurus Stunt Double says:

    Massive thanks for such kind comments.
    I am glad you liked it. I thought we could all do with a laugh.

  18. 18
    Pangloss says:

    (arrives late to the party as usual)

    Great stuff. I laughed ’til I stopped.

    COYG

  19. 19
    Uplympian says:

    Bravo Dino, a classic match report – just a shame the cameras weren’t there to record it for posterity.

  20. 20
    ksn says:

    Great stuff GSD. A little way into the article I did feel a cold tingle down my spine and I shivered (in delight).

  21. 21
    Potsticker says:

    GSD, you’ve set us up for a sequel, but if football season is to be cancelled, you should make it into a miniseries.

  22. 22
    North Bank Ned says:

    Wolves get a draw in Piraeus against 10-man Olympiakos. One away goal wasn’t enough for us. Of course, the Europa League and the rest of football may be suspended before the second leg gets played.

  23. 23
    North Bank Ned says:

    Arteta has tested positive for coronavirus.

    https://www.bbc.com/sport/football/51865442

    Hope it is a mild case and he recovers quickly.

  24. 24
    North Bank Ned says:

    Disabuses the notion, if anyone still believes it, that this pandemic is only a threat to the old and those with underlying conditions.

  25. 25
  26. 26
    North Bank Ned says:

    Full first team squad and coaching staff are in self-isolation so no fixtures for at least a couple of weeks.

  27. 27
    North Bank Ned says:

    …if at all for the rest of the season.

  28. 28
    OsakaMatt says:

    MA reports he feels ok.
    But our game is off as well as
    the rest of them.
    The season is done I think and
    expect an announcement soon

  29. 29
    Pangloss says:

    I’m inclined to agree with you about the season being done. I certainly hope they announce it sooner rather than later.

    COYG CUYG (Chin up you Gooners)

  30. 30
    ksn says:

    I hope Arteta makes a quick and full recovery and no one from the team tests positive.
    If the League decides to abandon the remaining matches will Liverpool be crowned champions?

  31. 31
    OsakaMatt says:

    Chins up indeed 🙂
    Hopefully with the continuing
    adventures of Matteo and the gang
    as well as spin offs like
    Mesut the Invisible Man and
    Skhodran’s Comedy of Errors.

  32. 32
    OsakaMatt says:

    ksn,

    I suppose one option will be
    Liverpool as the * champions.
    Now that they’re not unbeaten
    I don’t mind so much.
    But personally I think the
    fairest way is just to go with
    the standard alphabetical order.

  33. 33
    North Bank Ned says:

    Only problem with an alpha ranking, OM, is that AFC Bournemouth would be champions.

  34. 34
    North Bank Ned says:

    If the season was ended now, the only fair thing to do would be to rank on points per game. That way at least St Totteringham’s Day would have arrived.

  35. 35
    OsakaMatt says:

    🙂 Ned

    I didn’t think of that till after
    I posted. Still, rather Bournemouth
    than Liverpoo as champions.
    And we would at least be in the CL.

  36. 36
    North Bank Ned says:

    :), OM

  37. 37
    North Bank Ned says:

    And Watford, West Ham and Wolves relegated, with Barnsley, Birmingham and Blackburn promoted.

  38. 38
    OsakaMatt says:

    Damn, Spuds only 4th from
    bottom. But a good year for
    the Aberdonians.

    I’m guessing no promotion or
    relegation – relief for some and
    frustration for others.

  39. 39
    ksn says:

    OM @35. Yes, anything that gets us in the Champions a League next season is welcome!

  40. 40
    North Bank Ned says:

    All elite football in England suspended until at least April 3.

  41. 41
    North Bank Ned says:

    …which seems an optimistic return date if the forecasts of the pandemic peaking in May or June prove correct.

  42. 42
    North Bank Ned says:

    But at least no interlull at the end of this month. Oh…

  43. 43
    ksn says:

    League suspended till at least April 4th.

  44. 44
    ksn says:

    NBN @40 is right. The intention is to return on April 4th depending on the medical advice and conditions at the time.

  45. 45
    Mulerise14 says:

    This is jarring……just coming from site now and was inundated with the news of Arteta testing positive to COVID-19.really hope and he pulls through

  46. 46
    OsakaMatt says:

    I suppose April 4th is based on
    a possible best case scenario.
    Hope it works but I guess none
    of us are holding our breath.

  47. 47
    scruzgooner says:

    football has gone lullabye…

    here’s hoping that all affected infected recover fully, and that anyone they infected do the same, and the chain is broken. if living without football means people don’t get sick, i’ll live without football.

    interesting johnny nic on diego simeone at f365 today…https://www.football365.com/news/hero-of-the-week-diego-simeone-atletico-liverpool-klopp

  48. 48
    Countryman100 says:

    Gentle readers. We’ve spent the afternoon planning how we fill the space without football. We’re planning on running one new blog per week, with a variety of authors on a variety of topics! A new piece should go up tonight. Enjoy and please be as loquacious as you like in the drinks. After all it’s the community which is 90% of the pleasure of this bar.

  49. 49
    Countryman100 says:

    Though I will miss a trip to Brighton tomorrow and a planned ruby in Lewes on the way home.
    I’ve just squared it, Saka like, across the box for a tap in half century.

  50. 50
    Gunnersaurus Stunt Double says:

    I’m having that.

  51. 51
    Gunnersaurus Stunt Double says:

    A lack of Arsenal sees us struggle through to the half century. But we have made it. Well played all round.

  52. 52
    Countryman100 says:

    Well in GSD!

  53. 53
    North Bank Ned says:

    Well in, GSD. There will have to be a lot of keepy-up ball in the coming weeks.

  54. 54
    ksn says:

    We will miss you away report, Countryman100.

  55. 55
    scruzgooner says:

    well in gsd.

    c100, i would have enjoyed your report even if it were about the ruby in lewes…

  56. 56
    Countryman100 says:

    In time-honoured fashion

    >>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>