Readers who have no interest in a strange foray into the genre of ‘magical realism’ to explore the roots of our fraught relationship with tomorrow’s visitors should begin below the heading, ‘Them’. I should add that no hallucinogens were used in the writing of this piece.
A long, long time ago (on a millennial’s time frame), in a land, far, far away – actually, no distance at all but it was so different then that it now seems like a different place – there were contests lasting many years between two warlords and their retainers that recalled conflicts between medieval barons for territorial suzerainty or for influence over weak kings which were, indeed, a long, long time ago.
A time-honoured, somewhat chivalric competition that involved every parish in the land was transformed by removal of its ruling council and replacement of those elderly placemen from every parish, no matter how obscure, by ambitious and imperious epistocrats focused on building an empire, accumulating wealth for elite parishes, extending their power and influence and on harvesting tribute globally.
Gooneria, a southern tribe, had recently slain the northern ‘magic dragon’, Scousia, that had dominated the land for 16 years. However, Gooneria then lost its charismatic leader, Georgio the Gorgeous, in a palace coup amid allegations of misappropriation of bags of gold properly belonging to tribal coffers. As a result, the tribe’s elders subsequently spent the early years of the new contest in search of an effective new leader.
Meanwhile, an aggressive new war-lord, Demento, emerged in the north. Having miraculously led the Dandies, a previously unknown far northern tribe, to dominance unparalleled in the history of Alba, and to the acquisition of European silver, he was lured from the far, frozen north to join Mancia. This not quite so northern tribe had languished in the doldrums for over a quarter of a century despite retaining an inexplicable spell over peasants in southern shires. Through a reign of terror, elimination of internal challengers, an uncanny ability to influence law-givers in his favour and a thirst for silver, this red-nosed barbarian led Mancia to prominence while Gooneria regrouped.
Then, lo, a visionary, silver-tongued, younger member of Gooneria’s Council of Elders spirited a relatively unknown Magus from the far east to become their new leader. The Magus immediately transformed Gooneria’s fortunes, adding warriors from his homeland, girding the loins of the defensive rearguard and elevating the tribe to third strongest in the land in his first part season. Thereafter, for the next eight years Gooneria was either strongest or second strongest in the land, hailed strongest three times, though by universal acclamation the most elegant and skilful of tribes throughout that period. They fought 49 consecutive parochial battles without defeat and for the first time in the modern age were unconquered throughout a season. The widespread praise for Gooneria’s style and their invincible season were like salt in a wound for Demento and his warriors. Inevitably, it was against Demento’s horde and one of his tame law-givers that this unparalleled run came to an end.
In this golden age, the contest for strongest tribe was simply a battle between Gooneria and Mancia with other tribes rendered mere onlookers. As a result, the vitriol and black magic of Demento were focused relentlessly on Gooneria and its Magus whilst Demento continued to wield influence over law-givers to gain advantage. Contests between these tribes saw major gladiatorial battles between warriors, and Mancia frequently adopted brutal tactics to thwart Gooneria artistry. Some moments have entered Gooner mythology as in Cesc’s flying pizza and Keown’s leap over the spineless Horseface.
Sadly, after the invincible season, diversion of Gooneria’s reserves into construction of a new stronghold, meant that ageing heroes were not replaced by warriors of equivalent stature. Progressive decline in tribal achievements followed and was aggravated by defection of many of the best young warriors. This decline precipitated civil war amongst Gooneria’s followers. After years of internecine strife, poison and vitriol despite the acquisition of silverware three times, the Magus was deposed in a palace coup. His roles were replaced by a motley crew of dysfunctional peddlers of false remedies who produced confusion until they were ousted. Recruitment of one of the Magus’ former battlefield captains as the new leader has since revived Gooneria fortunes.
Meanwhile Demento maintained Mancia’s strength after Gooneria’s penury-induced decline but contests remained full-blooded affairs. The emergence of a hitherto mediocre Chavia boosted by Russian loot and then a minted Caliphate stronghold on his doorstep changed the landscape and proved too much for Demento’s fading powers. He too left the fray and Mancia have since struggled to find another effective warlord, stumbling from one faker to the next until unearthing the Egghead. Bizarrely, during the years of diminished stature, Mancia’s mediocre horde has invariably excelled themselves when confronting Gooneria’s warriors who, far too often, have failed to do themselves justice.
And so, we come to this fixture with both tribes firmly convinced that they are on the way back. This contest can be confidently predicted to become a battle. Have we come far from primordial instincts?
Them
Manure beat us in an early preseason friendly in the USA by exhibiting a degree of aggression and determination that surprised our undercooked players. This is not the first time that Egghead has adopted physical tactics to neutralise a more talented team and we can expect the same approach. He is being hailed as their best coach since Demento and is clearly adopting his predecessor’s mantra that, ‘if you can’t match the opposition for skill, kick ‘em off the park!’ Despite beating us, they were unconvincing in that preseason game, in their other preseason matches and also in their Premiership games to date: a lucky 1-0 home win against Wolves who were robbed by officials (familiar, eh?); a drubbing at the Lane; a 3-2 home win against 10-man Forest after being 0-2 down in 5 minutes.
From post-match interviews, Egghead fancies himself as a ‘tough guy’ and, having rid himself of Ronaldo in January, spent the summer trying to eject de Gea, Fred, Elanga, Telles, Williams, Jones, van de Beek, Maguire, McTominey and Martial to raise money while he pines for a Qatar takeover and cash injection. At the time of writing, the last four are still on the books. A familiar problem, eh? To date, Egghead has brought in ex-Ajax keeper Onana for his footwork, Jonny Evans, on a short-term contract to add subtlety to his thuggish defence, Mount to pep up his pedestrian midfield and an unproven Dane called Hojlund for €75m in a pathetic attempt to acquire a Haaland ‘sound-alike’ – this lad has recovered from a back problem and is available for this match. Varane and Shaw will be missing from their defence. Reguilon, a late loan signing, from a small club in Middlesex is likely to replace the latter and perhaps Maguire will get a chance to redeem himself. Apparently, Mount will also miss the match so their midfield creativity will rest with the whiny Fernandez and ageing Eriksen but they have also just signed the Moroccan midfielder, Amrabat, on loan from Fiorentina; this lad is a definite midfield upgrade on Fred, and we may well see him at some point on Sunday.
Whether these changes improve Manure remains to be seen. There is no early evidence of transformation. By getting third place last season, Manure overachieved relative to their quality and performances, winning games they should lose which was one of their characteristics under Demento. Another major factor was Rashford’s goal-scoring form after the world cup break; hopefully, this will revert to his mean this season. What we can expect is the same overweening desire to win the game at all costs without any concern for method.
The Good Guys
We have seen only flashes of last year’s early season fluidity and our new defensive line up has been disturbingly porous. Arteta has clearly decided that we were far too predictable last season and, as well as adding depth in key areas to avoid running out of steam again, he has added versatility. Sadly, Timber’s ACL tear and resulting long absence has impeded Arteta’s plans as he is probably the most versatile of the incoming quartet.
To add to the unpredictability of the team, Arteta has also devised a ploy which wasn’t used in pre-season but emerged in the first Premier League game. We are all now nervously familiar with Thomas Partey attempting to play a right-sided inverted fullback role. This relies on Ben White, Saliba and whoever gets the left back gig to defend the width of the pitch and leaves even more space than we have become used to seeing behind Zinchenko. It also demotes defensive stalwart Gabriel to the bench. Arteta has employed this strategy to get an extra man in midfield and to confuse the opposition but it may actually be more confusing to our players. The automatisms that made us so fluid last season break down as players pass to where a player isn’t, as in Saka’s pass to the absent right centre back that gifted Fulham their first goal. This must compound the difficulty of integrating new players into Arteta’s allegedly complex playing system. On which point, the unfortunate Timber seemed to have hit the ground running and looked a ‘made to measure’ addition to the system, Rice appears to be growing into his new team and was outstanding against Palace but unfortunately Havertz is struggling to impose himself, a man for whom Arteta clearly pushed hard and in whom he must see qualities he can utilise. I’m not sure what Havertz’s role is and I’m not convinced that the player is yet either.
We have had a less than convincing start to the season despite taking 7 points from 3 games. In the opening game we had almost total dominance against Forest but sat back at 2-0, let them back in and ended up clinging on at 2-1. In the second game, we dominated again against Palace, took a 1-0 lead only for a bird-brain ref to swing the game’s momentum but fortunately not its result. The gifted goal early in the draw against a hitherto unconvincing Fulham was followed again by total domination, 19 shots, 11 on target and recovery to take a 2-1 lead, only once again we sat back and left the back door open. In each of these games we have dominated possession, looked very good in spells, scored some nice goals but invariably then chosen to defend a lead rather than killing the game. We have also proved vulnerable to rapid breaks with too few defenders covering too much territory. Partey at right back ‘inverting’ in midfield clearly aggravates that vulnerability as does Gabriel’s absence. But what do I know? I do know that a more effective forward line than Forest, Palace and Fulham possess would harm us more than those teams did. This is our first match against one of the contenders. We have to take it seriously. I shudder when I anticipate the acres of space on our right flank that this system offers Marcus Rashford. “Freedom of London, sir?” “Why, thank you!” Hopefully the Partey experiment is shelved for this game.
The Team
Ramsdale was criticised in some quarters for the first goal against Fulham but he made a crucial save late on in a one-on-one against Traoré to save a point and should keep his place. I would have no hesitation in selecting last season’s first choice back four and a midfield of Partey, Ødegaard and Rice with the latter playing the recent Xhaka role rather than Havertz. The German has not convinced me that he is ready for that role in this game though I suspect he will start for Arteta. Eddie Nketiah should start (if he has recovered from a rumoured knee injury) as he has produced some red-hot performances and goals. He deserves to lead the line until Jesús proves his match fitness which looked questionable in the Brazilian’s brief cameo last Saturday. Performances in training this week will clearly determine Arteta’s decision. Trossard was surprisingly poor against Fulham had several terrible first touches and, for me, delivered his poorest performance in an Arsenal shirt. He needs to recapture his pre-season form to regain a starting place. Trossard wasn’t the only sub-prime player against Fulham: the captain was surprisingly erratic but, excellent though Vieira proved (and I’m sure he will be an early sub if we need to change the game), the captain naturally keeps his starting place. Our brilliant young wingers are equally undroppable. Hence my starting XI would be (though it certainly won’t be Arteta’s):
Ramsdale
White, Saliba, Gabriel, Zinchenko
Partey, Ødegaard, Rice
Saka, Nketiah, Martinelli
We do have a habit of not doing ourselves justice against this mob, nor have we been free scoring, so I don’t expect a high score, much though it’s long overdue, and we just can’t keep a clean sheet at home so my prediction is a sweaty, nerve-jangling 2-1 to the Arsenal. No odds are offered as the ‘Holic pound is again going to Ukraine and gambling’s profile in the game these days is far too high.
Enjoy the game, ‘Holics – if you can. I’ll be behind the couch with a bottle of Shiraz though I understand that drinking alone to cope with stress is a pretty bad habit too! Here’s to a famous victory!
COYG
